If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
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Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
lol
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real