[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
You Might Also Like
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”