Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
You Might Also Like
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
uh oh