My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Basketball
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.