Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
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Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
same energy
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
starting a garage orchestra
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Taking phone security to the next level.