[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
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Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.