scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
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starting a garage orchestra
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
the only bumper sticker ill allow