Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball: