Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
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A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Pandas 🐼🖤
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw