me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
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Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.