Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
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Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.