The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
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‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.