What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
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I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.