All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
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[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
when revenge coincides with naptime
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s