How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
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Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
kids play hide and seek like
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago