The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
The big book of baby names but for safe words
This is my cat’s medicine.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot