I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
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I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!