BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
You are not alone 💚
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
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met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.