*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*