Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
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*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
that de-escalated quickly
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…