A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
You Might Also Like
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
#Caturday
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
work smarter, not harder
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Breaking news:
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.