If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.