Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
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[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.