Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
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“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*aggressively waits in line*
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.