According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.