My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
You Might Also Like
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father