I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
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Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”