[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
You Might Also Like
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Every. Damn. Time.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries