[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.