The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
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“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein