Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
my sentiments exactly
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
english majors be like furthermore
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”