4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
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“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Story of my life…..
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.