Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.