Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
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‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.