[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile