As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.