Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
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Born to be mild.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
“i am a sweet baby”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?