If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
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I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.