Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
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true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.