me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
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A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
lost dog