kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
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How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.