My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce