Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
You Might Also Like
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
😎 🍻
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.