[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
You Might Also Like
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die