When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
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I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.