Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
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“The Perfect Relationship”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
CRYING
the best thing i’ve ever made
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
According to math, I’m broke
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.