Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
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After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’