first date idea we go to marriage counseling
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”