*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
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Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
this is what they would have looked like, though
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.