“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
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“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
car not found
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
is this a warning or an offer?
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
incredible text to wake up to
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.